Baseless scientific theories
Every once in awhile, I like to come up with my own medical/physiological theories, based on absolutely nothing except my own experience and my 11th grade level of science education. It's fun!
For example, (warning: TMI ahead) in the 15 months that we were trying to conceive, there were two specific times when I had distinct signs that I might be ovulating, in the form of abundant, fertile-quality cervical mucus. Both times, I happened to be in Europe. (Please note: it's not generally a habit of mine to go to Europe twice in 15 months, but it was a year of consciously doing things I wouldn't be able to do after children.) Therefore, I postulated that either 1.) Europe makes me ovulate or 2.) The whole milk, cheese, and chocolate that I tended to consume more of in Europe was making me ovulate. It also occurred to me that it might be some weird side effect of jet lag -- my hormonal clock getting thrown out of whack. In fact, this is probably the most plausible explanation. But that didn't stop me from eating more cheese and chocolate as we continued in vain to try to get pregnant.
So, here's another theory: trapped gas can cause muscle aches. How do I know this? Well, my back has been quite sore for the past week, partly as a result of lifting something I shouldn't have lifted. Last night, A. came home after being away for several days, and gave me a nice long massage. While he was doing it, I couldn't stop burping. It was the strangest thing. I just burped, and burped, and burped. A. thought I was about to explode. Now, normally, in my experience, husband-administered massages feel good while they're happening, but don't really get rid of the pain. But after this particular one, I felt almost 100% better. I attribute it to the burping.
I leave you with one final theory -- well, a hypothesis, really -- perhaps slightly less scientifically plausible than the others: The twins understand English. I swear, whenever A. or I say anything remotely negative or skeptical about life after these babies come--like "how the hell are we going to go anywhere with TWO infants?" or "maybe we should have waited another 10 years to have kids" or "I say we make them get jobs and pay for their own damned diapers" -- they start thrashing. Particularly twin B, who is closer to my mouth, and obviously can hear me more clearly. It gives one pause.
For example, (warning: TMI ahead) in the 15 months that we were trying to conceive, there were two specific times when I had distinct signs that I might be ovulating, in the form of abundant, fertile-quality cervical mucus. Both times, I happened to be in Europe. (Please note: it's not generally a habit of mine to go to Europe twice in 15 months, but it was a year of consciously doing things I wouldn't be able to do after children.) Therefore, I postulated that either 1.) Europe makes me ovulate or 2.) The whole milk, cheese, and chocolate that I tended to consume more of in Europe was making me ovulate. It also occurred to me that it might be some weird side effect of jet lag -- my hormonal clock getting thrown out of whack. In fact, this is probably the most plausible explanation. But that didn't stop me from eating more cheese and chocolate as we continued in vain to try to get pregnant.
So, here's another theory: trapped gas can cause muscle aches. How do I know this? Well, my back has been quite sore for the past week, partly as a result of lifting something I shouldn't have lifted. Last night, A. came home after being away for several days, and gave me a nice long massage. While he was doing it, I couldn't stop burping. It was the strangest thing. I just burped, and burped, and burped. A. thought I was about to explode. Now, normally, in my experience, husband-administered massages feel good while they're happening, but don't really get rid of the pain. But after this particular one, I felt almost 100% better. I attribute it to the burping.
I leave you with one final theory -- well, a hypothesis, really -- perhaps slightly less scientifically plausible than the others: The twins understand English. I swear, whenever A. or I say anything remotely negative or skeptical about life after these babies come--like "how the hell are we going to go anywhere with TWO infants?" or "maybe we should have waited another 10 years to have kids" or "I say we make them get jobs and pay for their own damned diapers" -- they start thrashing. Particularly twin B, who is closer to my mouth, and obviously can hear me more clearly. It gives one pause.
posted by Jane at 3:06 PM
5 Comments:
Apparently you haven't heard of Congorilla's "Punched in the face" theory of determing the gender of a baby. Apparently if a woman is going to give birth to a female, she looks like she was punched in the face during pregnancy. That's what I call science.
She did mention that theory to me, actually. Based on it, I'm having boys. I hope they like the tutus!
My theory about the gas thing is that it must somehow expel pain. Any time I have a migraine I have the same experience - belching seems to help alleviate it. For some reason, I haven't been able to locate a study in any medical journals.
I can't back you up on the viscous discharge theory, having never been To Europe. Maybe I can write a grant to study that.
Holy crap! I can't believe it!
So, do you think my twins understand English, too?
Your twins totally understand English. In fact, they will have an early start on becoming great writers, perhaps penning seminal works like Horses All Over Dell.
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