Girls scare me a little.

First, let me say this: I'm thrilled to be having two girls. It's going to be wonderful in countless ways, not the least of which is the fact that they can borrow each other's clothes, thus saving us precious college fund money. Seriously, though. I love girls. I am one. I think we're smarter and more mature and generally better adjusted than our male counterparts. Sure, we're really mean to each other when we're adolescents, but that passes. We generally don't go around starting wars and committing genocide and raping and murdering and pillaging. All major pluses.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days about why I was hoping for boys. It has actually been A.'s reaction to the fact that we're having two girls that has helped me understand it better. He said, "I feel like this takes a lot of pressure off of me." He doesn't have to teach them "how to be men," or how to fight back (or not fight back), or have the dreaded sex talk with them. Not that he suddenly thinks it's going to be all piggy back rides and getting his hair braided (thank you for that image, SER). But, he definitely feels like he's got a little more leeway somehow. Interestingly, both my father and his father independently said that while a boy and a girl would have been nice, two girls would be their second choice. Little girls love their daddies, and daddies love to be loved by their little girls.

I guess I felt the same thing about having boys: there wouldn't be quite so much pressure on me to be a role model or confidante. I could just be their adored mama, who they think is the most beautiful and perfect woman in the world. In short, I wanted to create a little man or two to worship and depend on me. It's all so damned Oedipal, isn't it?

With girls, it feels more complicated. What if they hate me? What if I disappoint them, mess them up, emotionally scar them, give them eating disorders? It seems like there is so much more potential for conflict and complexity. I fear this, and yet, my relationship with my own mother is now infinitely smoother, simpler, and less antagonistic than my relationship with my father -- more and more so as the years pass. Still, I was definitely a daddy's girl when I was growing up, and my mom and I aren't exactly what you'd call BFF.

I will love these girls to death. I already do. I can't wait to see who they are, and who they become. I just hope I can be the kind of mother they deserve.

Their movements are starting to feel more and more like actual kicks now, incidentally, which is fun. Last night, hand on belly, I even felt them from the outside. It's like having Lucy Liu and Uma Thurman in there. Excellent.