Monday, May 21, 2007

Newborns Suck.

I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend the Motel Manager, who is in the thick of newborndom right now. In fact, I'd like to dedicate it to all new mothers, current and future, to applaud them for their perserverance, and to reassure them that it gets so. much. better.

Last night, after I fed Clio, I had her on my lap and was bouncing her while singing some kind of ridiculous, rhythmic song that went more or less like this: "Dickadicka doo doo dickadicka dee, dicka dicka dah dooka dooka doo," and the child laughed. She laughed!! It was the greatest thing ever. Because, as we all know, humor is the finest and truest and most universal means of human connection there is (aside from sex). And, because baby laughter is the cutest, twangiest most joyful little sound there is.

Newborns do not laugh. Nor do they smile or look you in the eye or nuzzle their head into your shoulder when you carry them. All they do is lie there and sleep -- except when you want them to -- or cry and scream, usually without any apparent reason. They poop and pee when you try to change their diapers. They puke all over the place. They're wrinkly and scrawny and floppy and most of all, they're boring. B-o-r-i-n-g.

I seriously suspect the sincerity of people who say they're "madly in love" with their newborns. What's to love? I mean, except in an abstract, theoretical, primal sort of way? Every day I love my daughters more and more intensely, and I can tell you, it bears almost no resemblance to the dutiful, biological sort of love I felt for them in the first weeks. Hence the fact that I can now write a post entitled "newborns suck." (I almost called it "newborns are assholes," but thought that might be going too far.)

I also must admit that I don't understand this spending hours every day "just staring at them," thing people with new babies are always talking about. We did not do that. Sure, we did some gawking here and there. Newborns, in spite of their suckiness, do make some awful cute faces, especially when they sleep. But generally, I just didn't feel the desire to sit and fixate on my babies. And maybe right there is the reason: babies, plural. Maybe when you've got just one baby, it seems more singular and amazing and miraculous. When you've got two, you realize -- hey, I could theoretically pop out any number of these puppies, and they'd all be fabulous and they'd all be ours, but I'm so g.d. tired right now that I think instead of looking back and forth at them like some kind of deranged ping pong spectator, I'm going to put them down in their bouncy seats and take myself a little nap. Wake me up when they're five months old and every time they smile at me, I feel like I'm the luckiest g.d. person in the world.

Newborns. Bah humbug.


Blogger Churlita said...

Amen. I think having more than one baby does change your persective. After I had my second daughter, I would just check on her every so often to make sure she was still breathing. She slept all the time and I didn't have time to do much else.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Jane said...

Churlita, I think you're my last loyal remaining reader. I've scared everyone else away, and my anti-newborn polemic may be the final straw. Oh well!

2:28 PM  
Blogger Motel Manager said...

Hey, I'm a loyal reader, too! I liked this post.

4:17 PM  
Anonymous mama de marlie said...

i musta protest!!!!! if you could see the myriad expressions this kid comes up with, you'd fersher stare, too!!! and i refuse to accept that those smiles in her sleep aren't in reaction to something hilarious i did earlier that day to entertain her. man, this post was written right after you met my newborn...i hope she didn't inspire these thoughts of suckines...:(

5:08 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

No, no, no, Mama de Marlie! Of course not! (See my email to you).

Your little chica is adorable. Hell, all newborns are. I admit it. It's just a tough phase, and seems even moreso in retrospect, after your newborn turns into a bonafide BABY!

7:30 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I meant to comment the other day, but with a four-week old, best intentions and all that... This is my second child and I have to say that newborns totally suck! I know the wonderful things that I have to look forward to, but it is such a grind to just get through the days and nights. After a particularly grueling night, I called the kid a "fucking asshole." I looked at my husband thinking he was going to look shocked or something, but he agreed that he is kind of a jerk. At least we can laugh about it.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

babies are total assholes.

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sitting at my kitchen table, trying to do work on a laptop with one hand while, with the other, jiggling my fussy, less-than-3-day-old son (my first child) while my poor wife tries to grab two hours of sleep. On a whim, I googled "Newborns suck." This is just what I needed to read. Thank you for my first genuine laugh since the emotionally draining ordeal of labor and the subsequent stay in the hospital. I think you've hit the nail on the head. THANK YOU.

12:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a two week old and he is cute but also a whinny asshole. I am so glad i found your blog. Had two hours of sleep last night and can only do the " happiest baby on the block" shushing for so long. ...,,

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you! If they stayed newborns, no one would ever have more than one!

12:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with all of this!!! I have a 5 day old who has his day/night cycle backwards. As i sit here and write this my poor gf is trying to rock him to sleep at 1045 pm. The fucker has been up since 6pm but you know what, he doesnt want to sleep, he did that ALL DAY today when my mom was visiting especially for him. Newborns suck ass!!!

4:48 AM  
Blogger Frenchnewbie said...

Oh, thank you so much for this post. I have one child, and just visiting my newborn nephew brought back all the horrible, bored feelings that I had when my now-awesome daughter was a newborn. Mothers are saints!!

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am ready to pay some one massive amounts of money to take my 6 week arsehole very far away

4:12 AM  

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